Wednesday, October 22, 2008


Tough talking, standing up for ourselves, decisive action... what's going on? Don't the teachers at Movilla School know that they're supposed to just lie down and take whatever's doled out to them?

As far as I can make out, the boy was late; the teacher told him he was in detention and stood by the door at the end of the lesson to try and stop him leaving. The boy pushed the teacher's arm away and walked out. The School didn't do much about it, so the teachers refused to teach the brat. (Who is now going to be charged with assault, but still not kicked out of school)

This will happen 200 times today in Comprehensive schools up and down our country. Why? Because the pupil knows that they can.

The pupil's actions are inevitably blamed on some external circumstances. In this case the recent death of a relative, which is obviously very sad, but ignores the fact that there are plenty of other pupils in the same boat who behave perfectly well. (This 'external circumstances' excuse always makes the assumption that the boy was perfectly well behaved before the event)

There's four points here:

1) Well done to the NASUWT and its staff at that school.

2) Why aren't all the other staff supporting them?

3) Why isn't this happening at the other 199 schools today?

4) How did it all come to this? Would you have dared push your teacher's arm away and walk out of their classroom? Actually, if you are under 30, then you probably would.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

60 Per Cent; how much is that, then?

The press are having a field day once again just because lots of trainee teachers can't spell or do a few easy sums.

You can have a go at the grandly titled literacy and numeracy tests here. Pen and paper may be used for the numeracy test, but despite what the Times might think; you only get four choices of spelling to help you in the literacy test if you are deaf.

Prospective teachers have to get 60% in each test, but can retake them as many times as they wish, until they have exhausted all possible combinations of answers.

Monday, October 20, 2008


Sony has decided to delay the release of its latest game because of fears that that the sound of a couple of lines from the Koran might cause offence.

This really is Political Correctness gone Mentally Challenged. The character in the picture appears to bear a startling resemblance to the Spaghetti Monster, so maybe there is scope for another religious group to get in on the act. (Although they should bear in mind that only the ones who firebomb or commit murder are allowed to have their sensitivities taken into account.)

In these troubled times, being offended has become Britain's only growth industry and we need to do everything we can to help it. I urge every one of you to get offended right now and extract compensation from foreign governments, companies and individuals. The money earned from this invisible export will be our only chance of preventing the economy from falling off a cliff.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

WANTED: Nutters

For no obvious reason, this post received more comments than any other; so purely in the spirit of malicious fun, I shall use my digital Ouija board to try and summon up as many Moon Howlers, Window Lickers and Gum Popping nutcases as possible.

If you don't fall into any of the above categories, then there's no need to read any further; just skim through the comments for your own amusement. Here we go...

1) Only loonies believe that the Earth was made by a man with a big white beard 6000 years ago. Men with beards can't actually do anything, they can only host discussion groups and talk about Diversity. The Earth is actually around 4700 million years old.

2) The Earth is not flat, nor is it at the centre of the Universe. It revolves around the Sun, which appears to be a reasonably average star that orbits the centre of our galaxy about four times every billion years.

3) Evolution is a simple fact, accepted by all but the most backward inhabitant of Kansas. There are too many examples to describe here, so just look them up in any textbook. (Although probably not one published by

4) We are all animals. Moles, whales, single humped camels and humans are all descended from the same common ancestor.

5) We did go to the Moon and there aren't really any Yetis or UFO's.

Right, that should do the trick. Arise and come to me, fruit loops everywhere...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Olympic Games

Interesting to hear the BBC commentator tonight, blathering again about how important Lottery funding was for our recent successes at the Olympics.

Seb Coe's times at the 1984 Los Angeles Games would have won Gold at the 800 and 1500 metres this year. He didn't get any money from the Lottery...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Gardeners World

I'm going through the sidebar, cutting out dead links and planting new ones, like a demented digital gardener. If you've got any recommendations let me know. Only criteria is that they've got to be entertaining.

I've also had a few emails from people wanting to do guest articles on this blog. Needless to say the idea appeals to me immensely because it saves me from doing them. If you can write something interesting and amusing, then just send it in and let me know whether you wish to be credited or just ruthlessly plagiarised.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Assaulting Teachers

If anyone knows a bit more about this story, could they let me know please? It's not entirely clear whether the pupil did actually assault the teacher.

There are plenty of Heads and School Governors out there who wouldn't expel Hitler. If teachers had a policy of always refusing to teach a child who had assaulted one of them and insisted on involving the Police every time, then these incidents would be taken more seriously. It would also help if their Unions took out Private Prosecutions when the CPS can't be bothered to do so.

None of this will ever happen, so these events will continue to be brushed under the table.

(I also ended up being brushed under the table last weekend at the Iraqi Beer Festival)

Guantanamo Bay

This is shocking and totally inappropriate

I suggested it two years ago in my book and the school hasn't even thanked me. What sort of behaviour is that?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Banking Collapse

Normally I send all the money that I earn from royalties straight to the Nigerian Bank owned by my good friend Dr Ngugu, who first contacted me via this website. He set the bank up himself, so that he could help some local orphans whose parents had died in a plane crash. My account has $374 000 000 in it and I must get round to withdrawing some of it soon so that I can buy one of these.

With all the present turmoil in the banking sector however; I decided to play it safe and look elsewhere. I wouldn't trust some fat druggie from Iceland, so after considerable research, I plumped for the Japanese Bank of Sumo. Imagine my distress to learn this morning that they have gone belly up. I’m very upset by this as I nearly invested in Sushi Bank, but thought that there was something fishy about them. I've also heard that the National Bank of Origami has folded...

Feel free to add your own. There's loads more from the 1990 collapse but I can’t remember them all.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Jamie Oliver

Imagine my shock when I turned on the telly the other night and these horrors leaped out at me. Jamie Oliver (who appears to be wearing a fat suit in order to blend in with the natives) has gone to Rotherham in order to teach them how to cook.

He was talking to some wretch who couldn't be bothered to learn how to cook for her 22 kids and preferred instead to sit in front of a colossal plasma screen TV bathed in the flickering blue light of ignorance whilst counting her Benefit Cheques. Why he didn't just pull out a gun and shoot her, I'll never know.

The man has the patience of a Saint. If I had half as much money as he does, I'd be swanning around on my yacht in the Med, surrounded by beautiful women, drinking cold beer and eating olives (me not them).

I've been to Rotherham once and can say that at least it is better than nearby Doncaster.


The government seems determined to randomise the intake of schools, which will come as a bit of a blow to those of you who have spent their hard earned money moving to a nice area near to St. Goodboys School in the hope that your child might receive a decent education.

The flip side of course is that if you presently live on Hell St. then your children might be given a lifeline and selected for a decent school, which has the potential to dramatically change their life for the better.

Unfortunately this is another of those nice warm, cozy ideas which are always dreamt up by those in Public Office who can avoid any nasty unpleasant realities. In the Real World, all decisions involving large numbers of people need to be looked at from a statistical point of view. The inescapable conclusion is that although there will be a few success stories; on average Kyle plucked randomly from the Grottville Estate has a low IQ and will not get any support from his bovine mother or from her succession of partners who will only seek to guide him into petty crime. Therefore he will utterly waste his place at St. Goodboys.

This is the place that could have been taken by Mr and Mrs Smith's child Daniel, who instead ends up at St. Thickchilds in a class full of Ritalin Rattlers led by a Supply Teacher. With a great deal of support from his concerned parents, he might just about scrape through and get a place on a Comedy Studies course at Scagtown Institute of Further Time Wasting. (On the other hand he might easily sink into the abyss)

At St. Goodboys he would have gone on to study something sensible at a good University.

ps don't bring any Bats into school either.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


I'm glad this lot went on a jolly to Barcelona, but the idea of "enhancing creative teaching and cultural awareness" makes me feel quite ill.

Talking of being ill, please note that teachers should now be able to accurately diagnose appendicitis, (Doesn't mother look like she has been slapped by a wet fish?)

Monday, October 06, 2008

Hands Off

I reckon you should keep your hands off your Sixth Formers. After all, you have been put in a position of trust and to take advantage of that has always struck me as being a bit sad. (Mind you, I wouldn't go anywhere near Chris Keates either. Look at that face; it could stop a clock.)

I can't help but hold a sneaking admiration for Richard Mercer, Head of Edensor College trying to wangle a jolly for his staff in Marbella last week. There's never any outcry over the thousands of pounds wasted sending people on daft courses throughout the year. If only he'd had a bigger pair and not backed down...

I do like this story though

Friday, October 03, 2008

Cane Dwayne

22% of Secondary Teachers would support a return of the cane in extreme circumstances, according to a recent survey. (The other 78% saw no reason to wait for the extreme circumstances)

I only whacked a handful of kids in my time (mainly because the practice had been banned two years before I started work) but it's one of those ideas that appeals greatly after some obnoxious wretch storms out of your classroom swearing at you as he leaves. (ie every lesson in many inner city schools)

The reality of course is that only the nice kids would actually stick their hands out to get whacked. The bad ones would just tell you to F*** off and then we are back to square one. (Shortly afterwards their equally wretched parents would storm into school, summoned by mobile phone; to bang on the Head's door, shouting and raving moronically). That's one reason why a smaller percentage of Heads support the idea. (The other is that to get promoted to the top in schools you usually have to be a wimp with more interest in Diversity than Discipline).

If you want to hear my solutions then go out and buy my book.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Costa Fortune

I might not be able to post for the next few days as I'm busy helping to save the taxpayer's money by going to Marbella

Right and Wrong

The picture in this article shows a lesson typical of many that I taught. The kids are working quietly and industriously, whilst the teacher is fast asleep with their mouth open.

The accompanying article is pretty shocking and is consistent with a few other stories I've got about these exams. (You'll have to wait for my next book to hear them). I love the way the QCA spokesman justifies this fiasco by saying that it's to help the children who are aren't as good at Science. Well what better way to help them understand the mysteries of the Universe than by marking all their answers correct.

To be honest, I've never understood why there isn't a mass boycott of SATS by the parents. I suppose it's just apathy, fear of the consequences (absolutely none) or lack of someone to start one off. If I had kids I'd take them away on holiday for the exams. You can get some great deals that week...

Maths Teaching

Here we have a new idea which Professor Boaler reckons we should enthusiastically adopt. Hopefully the words California and Academic have set alarm bells ringing and you will of course note that it violates Chalk's 5th Law of Teaching which clearly states: "Never pay any Attention to Academics"

This is one of those nice, warm cozy ideas so beloved of Teacher Training institutions. Everyone is working together to help one another, probably with a load of coloured bricks and some elastic bands, rather than learning how to do any real sums in an exercise book. It ticks all the boxes necessary for it to be taken seriously; ie a title nobody can understand, the promise of inclusivity and lots of buzzwords such as Facilitator and Resource Manager. (Mind you, it's important for kids to get used to words like these if they are going to get jobs in the Public Sector)

What would actually happen is that the bright kids would rapidly get fed up of helping the duffers, complain to their parents who would then start complaining to the school, suggesting that instead of their own children being asked to teach, perhaps the teacher could do it.

I love Carlos Cabana who managed to get the word 'thick' into his comment without upsetting anyone: "You have to help them find their confidence even if it is buried under some thick layers of ice" Eh?

Anyway, I have agreed to go on a fact finding mission to Ocean Beach, San Diego (28 Degrees C yesterday) and will report back soon on a new technique pioneered by myself and provisionally known as 'Stand at the front, teach them how to do sums, then get them to practice a few'

Hmm. maybe the title needs some work...