Friday, December 22, 2006

Sleighbells in the warm grass...

A Merry Christmas to you all. I'm off skiing until the 30th. (Although given the current state of the Alps we might well be fishing, playing tennis or walking through flower covered meadows)

Anyway, best wishes for the New Year too and may 2007 bring you all lots of laughs and good times.

Rest assured that I shall, on principle boycott any Snowman (whoops, Snowperson) building competition on the grounds that all the entrants are white.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

My new hero

From our South Korean correspondant:

And the hand wringers think I'm harsh on the kids...

Monday, December 18, 2006

My new vocation

I definitely (sorry Lilly) fancy turning to a life of crime, especially if I can end up in front of Judge Chalk (No relation) who was referred to a couple of posts back.

Here, in his wisdom, he has given a lady who stole £5000 a fine of £500, some Community Service (which nobody ever does) and a suspended sentence. Who says crime doesn't pay?

'avin a fag.

I hate smoking but I rolled around laughing at the sheer cheek of this daft bat

Her comment of "I am not encouraging children to smoke" is sheer brilliance and I would immediately promote her to a School Management position.

This should teach them a lesson

Chief Inspector Wringer is known for his vocal support of controversial hardline policies such as making violent prisoners serve the first week of their sentence without full access to the internet and occasionally only providing second class stamps for them to write home with. In 2004 he was once again at the centre of a dispute when he refused to donate a Harrods Christmas hamper to everyone on a life sentence.

"Marks and Spencers 'Finest' range are quite good enough for them" He is reported to have said.

He spoke to Chalk News today:

"These tough new Christmas Card policies won't go down well with everybody, but we believe that murderers, drug barons and thieves love their fellow man just as much as you and I; well maybe not the murderers... but the others certainly do."

He declined to comment on allegations that some detainees in his station's holding cells had been forced to go without Hungarian goose down pillows.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

I'd have hung him....

Gerald Chalk is no relation to me I can assure you. It's good to see that strong judges like this one send a clear message to the young offender. In fact pretty much the same one we give them in school:

"Do that again Sonny and nothing much will happen to you"

That should teach him a lesson.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Nutcase kids... They're everywhere.

Thanks to our correspondent in Sydney for this

It's good to see that our Antipodean colleagues have as many problems as we do. I can only hope that he enjoys his 'multicultural sensitivities' course as much as I did.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

No More Games...

Have just opened the door for 12 Dec and found...

A Walking Stick!

That's it. This calendar is even more bizarre than that Japanese one we got a few years back. I'm declaring Mossy the winner and bah humbug to Christmas.

Hoorah for The GTCE

I've finally received a reply from the GTCE. Here's my initial email:

Hi, my name is Frank Chalk and I do a Teaching blog at

I've recently submitted a petition to No. 10 in order to try and improve standards of discipline in schools. I taught for ten years so I saw exactly how bad things have become and now I'm trying to do something about it. Could you publicise this petition on your website please? (I tried sending this to 'General Enquiries' but no luck)
Many thanks
Frank Chalk

And the reply:

Dear Mr Chalk

I have made further enquiries concerning your petition and your request to place it on the GTC website.

We would not be able to promote your petition without first seeking the views of our Council. I am happy to draw it to their attention if you wish me to, but it is only fair to say that there are limitations on the ability of the GTC to support external campaigns.

This is not to deny the seriousness of the issue, but the GTC’s remit is to offer advice to the Secretary of State based on evidence, both from formal research and from the experience of practising teachers.

For example, pupil behaviour was third highest in the list of problems identified by teachers responding to our 2005 survey, representing 16 per cent of respondents. As you will be aware, it is also high on the list of concerns for newly qualified teachers. In response to this feedback, our Engage network, which is an online community for newly qualified and early career teachers, is working on the issue of behaviour for learning. Some of our Research of the Month features have tackled the issue too. Both Engage and Research of the Month can be accessed through our web site:

David Brooks Web Editor

If you feel in any way dissatisfied by the attitude of the GTCE, then do not hesitate to email them at

Oh and don't forget to pay your subscriptions on time. They are working hard for you.

Monday, December 11, 2006

A Christmas Message from St. Thickchilds

Dear Parent/Guardian/Window licking Inbred,

Just to remind you that this year we break up on Friday 15th December for the Christmas holiday. After this time we have no desire to see or hear from your charmless offspring until Tuesday January 2nd. The caretaker has asked me to remind you that your foul mouthed child should be kept away from the school grounds during this time. (He would like to know why this is so difficult when you seem to be able to manage it perfectly well during the term)

Before my telephone starts ringing to herald an earful of your witless prattle, I am well aware that the 15th is quite early to begin celebrating Christmas, but since you have had your awful glowing Santas up since mid October, you have no cause to complain. Frankly we are all heartily sick of your child demanding to be entertained with traditional Christmas activities (Mindless scribbling whilst watching violent DVDs) in lessons, rather than attempting what they laughingly refer to as ‘work.’

Many thanks to those of you who attended the Carol Concert last week. If any reader should know the current whereabouts of the computer and printer which disappeared from my office on that same night, perhaps you would be good enough to inform me. If the parent who decided to spraypaint ‘Mr. Morris is a qweer’ on the wall would like to get in touch, we do have a few school dictionaries left.

The Prize draw in last months ‘Quarterwit’ (a lever to open a car lock, should you have ‘lost’ the key) was won by Ryan, formerly of Year 11; now unfortunately behind bars. We will therefore hold the draw again next month.

Congratulations to Tamsin Sprouthead who has successfully completed her first term at Downtown University, where she is pursuing a Degree in Celebrity Studies. We also offer commiserations to Chavney whose Lottery winning parents bought her a swimming pool to celebrate her GCSE success (in Drama) only to have it filled in by the Council due to an unfortunate lack of planning permission.

Finally, let us not forget as you go about your alcohol fuelled mayhem; that Christmas is a time for giving as well as receiving. By this I do not mean that you should give a mouthful of foul abuse to the telephone receptionist when you receive your benefit cheque a day late; but rather… oh never mind.

Yours Faithfully
Mr Morris

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Dec 9th

And what do we have behind the door?...
A Christmas Tree!

Mossy from Wakefield now has three points.

Thanks to Mr Hood for mentioning our petition on his blog.

I've emailed the TES editor to ask if they will help. Still waiting for the GTCE to make up their mind. (How did we ever manage without them?)

Friday, December 08, 2006

Dec 8th

I opened today's door and saw...

2 Christmas stockings, so no winners I'm afraid. Mossy keeps his lead.

We're now up to 200 signings on the petition. Hurrah! Keep spreading the word.

I'm thinking of running for Parliament on a 'Hang a Hoodie' manifesto.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Dec 7th Result

Dec 7th Result: 3 Candles!

'Mossy from Wakefield' moves into the lead with a total of two points.

The GTCE are still trying to decide whether to help the petition or not.

Thanks to PC. Bloggs for the petition link on her blog

Sorry I've not been doing more engaging posts for a while but I have been rather busy.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Dec 6th

Rate My Teachers have emailed me to say that they have put up a link to the petition, a discussion on their forum and wish us the very best of luck. The GTCE have emailed me back to say that they are considering what to do.

Today's result: two carrots (pesumably for the reindeer). A tricky one so no winners today.

172 signatures

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Dec 5th Result

Dec 5th Result: a fairy on top of a tree.

Mossy from Wakefield, you are a winner!

Still no reply from GTCE re. petition, but thanks to the 158 of you that have signed so far.

Dec 5th

Received an email back from the GTCE and guess what they said?

"We are not able to respond to you on any specific queries sent to this inbox"

Well silly me, sending it to 'General Enquiries'

Will try again using another one. Maybe the 'Late Subscriptions Payment' address might get more notice.

The GTCE: "Serving Teachers"

Monday, December 04, 2006

Dec 4th

A Christmas Pudding! Well done Ivy, one point to you.

Thanks to Lilyofthefield for suggesting we contact the GTCE about the petition. I've emailed them. (I was about to put up a post absolutely slating them but perhaps I'd better postpone it for now...)

Any more good ideas are of course, welcome.

Oh thanks to 'Anonymous' who sorted out a banner which can be pasted on to blogs. I'm so daft I deleted the message, thinking it was just an advert for another device to increase the size of my whatsit. (The blog is getting bombarded with these at the moment)

Here's the link.

126 signatures so far.

The following bloggers have put up a link to our petition:
Stan Still

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Spread the word...

I've now got a link to the petition on the right hand side of my page under the book adverts. Here's the code for it.

Feel free to send it to anyone who does a blog, or webpage or has the ear of Tony Blair. Try the newspapers or the TES (not sure how much they like me though)

I've also emailed the Ratemyteachers site suggesting that they might improve their image by putting a link up. You never know, they might go for it. (Thanks for that suggestion, 'Whacko')

There's been some debate about the wording of the petition. To be honest, I don't really think it's that important. My aim is simply to draw attention to the scale of the discipline problems we face in State Schools (of which the Government is in denial and the public are largely unaware.) We can worry about the details later.

This isn't a staff meeting so let's not endlessly debate. Let's just get on with it and do what we can.

ps. A robin on the calendar today! One point to HPB.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Dec 2nd Result

Dec 2nd Result: A Turkey (No winners)

The BBC reported today that shops up and down the Country were selling out of Advent calendars as shrewd shoppers attempted to track down Mr Chalk's. Till worker Debbie from Koshushko's Department store, Downtown spoke to our reporter after a hectic day:

"People were just buying the calendars, ripping them open and throwing them away when they saw what was behind the first door"

A plea to all readers: don't let the excitement go to your heads. Don't do anything irresponsible that you might regret in the future. Remember, it's only a game.

ps 62 signatures on our petition in the first 24 hours

Dec 2

39 signatures so far on the petition. Isolated incidents of rioting in towns and cities across the UK last night as disappointed Advent Guessers vented their frustrations.

I'm going for a Snowman (sorry Snowperson) today. Results out around six pm

Friday, December 01, 2006

Dec 1 Result

Dec 1 Result:

A sprig of Holly.

One point to El Tel, but it's still early days and there's everything to play for!

ps My petition has been approved! Click on the link here and sign it. Then get everybody you know, to do the same. If anyone knows anybody in the media then see what they can do to publicise it further.

Let's show the useless gits in charge of education what we think of them and maybe, just maybe something will happen.

The Advent Calendar Game

For several weeks now, Mrs. Chalk and I have been keenly looking forward to the start of the hedonistic frenzy that we indulge in at this time of year. It is a simple game, but it gives us much pleasure (amid the odd accusation of cheating and occasional furious argument) and this year we would like to invite readers to join in the fun.

It's called "Who's behind the door?" and consists of trying to guess what lies behind today's door on our Advent calendar.

The calendar is opened each weekday on Mrs Chalk's return from work, by which time the atmosphere in Chalk Mansions has reached fever pitch.

Feel free to enter your guess each day in the comments box. The person with the most correct answers will receive a prize. Only one guess per player is allowed.

Tips: the calendar is randomly sourced each year by Mrs Chalk's mother. You tend to get a feel for its style after a few goes. Some have more of a religious theme than others. We still reminisce about the Japanese one of 2003.

Remember, you can't win if you're not in! Enter your guess for Dec 1st now.